Motive

Its what starting up shares with murder.  No wonder then that the word ‘serial’ is used as a prefix to only 1 non-homicidal word.

The simile extends further. Both starting up and murder happen broadly in 2 types of circumstances – either you do it because you just have to do it...because something burns inside you and you need to air it. In this case there is not much respect or consideration given to time, place, external (read market) conditions etc. Or you do it because you think you can get away with it. Because the time is right, because no one else seems to have thought of this particular way to do it, because you see a gap and you want to put a knife in it!

I believe it is a question of utmost importance to figure out what starts you up? The pundits will tell you that like most things in life, the answer even here lies somewhere in the middle.  A great idea that is ahead of its time will die soon...so will an idea that the promoter doesn’t believe in... irrespective of how much market sense it makes. The perfect murder then is equal parts motive and timing served on the rocks.

Sounds all buddhist im sure....but trouble comes when the bitch named ‘leap of faith’ props up. Logic, your ever faithful guardian, will take a few leaps in the opposite direction at this time. Probability, your time honored weighing scale,  will rapidly be reduced to ‘umm...can be done...but does seem risky’. Deduction, that unlimited credit line you kept drawing on, will suddenly start asking for a pin number. No amount of ‘timing is just right for this idea’ or ‘you have a great team now do it’ or ‘even if we capture 2% of this pie’ will help you make the decision. Stuck in this barren land, where none of what you’ve known or relied upon comes to your rescue,  you will start praying for an epiphany. 

When it happened to me, is when i realized how diligently, over the years, i had practiced the art of drowning my inner voice. So much so that today when i want it to shout out and show me the way...today when i scream into the well of my own conscience, all i hear is my own doubts being repeated many times over. The water is long gone...and I learn that unlike other wells, this one runs dry if you don’t draw from it.

I spent some time in that well. When i first discovered it was empty i remember feeling real fear..’Will it ever fill up again, will i ever be able to see myself...my true self ...in its clear waters or is that revelation forever lost to me’...these and many such questions filled my mind. Like a man drowning in quick sand...i kept throwing these questions at the darkness and it kept multiplying and throwing them back.

Then, as my eyes and ears started adjusting to the silence, I started picking up faint voices coming from under the surface.  I couldn’t completely make out what they were saying but i could feel it. It dawned on me that to fill up the well again, i needed to pay heed to these voices...no matter how feeble they were. That was perhaps the only way to fill up the well again...by beginning to draw on whatever was left of it. I understood that the only way to regain a crystal clear inner voice was to drink the muddy water and prove my commitment to getting there.

And then there was light. Atleast a bit of it. I knew that this post needed to be named ‘Motive’ and not ‘Motive and Timing’. Because it was motive that made me stay long enough in my well to seek the answers. No amount of external positive information could’ve kept me there. Infact, I believe that that’s why it’s called a leap of faith. Its like trying to jump from one peak to another, with a great, unfathomable chasm between the two. You’ve been told that there is gold, and food and women all waiting for you on that other peak. But none of that information is going to make you jump. All it’ll do is make you uncomfortable...now you really really wanna jump but what if?  Even if you do manage to jump, and say you don’t make it, you’ll feel like a failure (briefly before you die).

But with motive, things are different. Motive doesn’t talk about the promised land at all. Rather, its born from the fact that you’ve explored most of your current peak. You’ve started thinking, ‘maybe its time to peak again’, and that’s your motive. You look back at all the peaks you scaled and draw inspiration – but you don’t look too long lest you start feeling satisfied.  And then it happens...you can no longer be on this peak...you’ve smelt another altitude and it has started living inside of you. You feel your feet moving and there is no way or need to control them. The idea in your head starts gaining mass and the cosmos bends to give it velocity.

The act of jumping is then ordained and it no longer matters what story they tell about your jump in the land you left behind.

Starting UP!

Writing a blog after a long hiatus is in many ways like starting up. Previous achievements make you feel you can do it. But a constant doubt nags at you – what if things have changed, what if you don’t have it in you anymore, what if  you make a fool of yourself, what if ‘they’ are right!

Actually the words ‘starting up’ sum it up really well – its like turning the key and cranking an old lethargic motor to life.  You know there are a lot of horses under the hood, you distinctly remember those few days from the past when, of their own free will, they had decided to come to life...ahh the roar...if only you could get the horses to find their feet again...if only you could make them believe.

That first step is the biggest filter. Most of us keep making half hearted attempts to start up the engine...you know...half cranks, loud sighs, looks of desperation, clutching the wheel, swearing at the manufacturer...all the show and dance that would make people watching believe that we are trying our best. But all the while, a voice in our head keeps reminding us of the truth...’you know the drill...press the clutch once or twice – let some fuel through...keep giving the accelerator a few nudges and keep the cranks long and coming...dont give up in 2 tries...it’ll happen’. But as i said, most of us would rather give up than try. After all, sitting in a stationary car aint that bad – you save on fuel, its nice and cozy, and there is no chance of an accident. In return all youre being asked to lose is your drive.

Anyways, this blog is not for those people.

Its for those who are still cranking. They realize that what’s under the hood is a piece of art...a piece of art that once used to come to life as and when they desired.  They don’t run away from the memory of those days when they felt they could conquer the world. Days when mediocrity had no place in the universe and ‘average’ used to be an unbearable insult. True that right now the world laughs as they keep turning the key while the engine coughs and dies on them. But it doesn’t matter, because once it does ‘start up’, then there is no stopping it.

But once it does start up, a whole new set of problems arises! There is suddenly this energy - the raw power of long held dreams, the physical manifestation of a mental force long subdued – and you’ve unleashed it! You’ve given it an outlet but have you given it a channel? There is no point having the fastest machine in the world if all you’re gonna do is drive it into a wall! But how are you supposed to know how to handle this ‘thing’.  The tarmac tells you that this isn’t an often used or a safe road. The paint is fresh but the railings are broken. Shattered rather...rammed into by those who ran too fast but couldn’t hold course.  You’ve read about them in books – they cut a few corners to get ahead, lost sight of the goal and started chasing the guy in front, got lazy on a long straight stretch and never saw the turn coming. You think you know all the mistakes and all the ways of not making them. But the wretched voice springs back ‘ do you really? are you sure u wont make your own unique mistakes? If so many...those who were faster, had better pedigree, more muscle...failed -then what makes you believe you’ll get through’ But you’ve already started up - not moving now is not an option.  The treachery of the path is but a fact that needs to be factored in...

....I turn back and i see you...our eyes meet and i know the questions your asking because i was asking them just a while ago. Just before you came here...i did too. I too am very scared but i try and hide it. I don’t know much about this place but before you came i walked around a bit. I had tea with the elders and i played a little with the kids. I drank the wisdom of a fellow traveller as he showed me how he nurtured the garden of his dreams. I studied a few crashes and made a few notes.  But most of my time i spent looking down the road.

I’ve learnt a few things about this place before you came...and i want to share them with you...i need to...because its the only way ill know where I’m headed.