Starting UP!

Writing a blog after a long hiatus is in many ways like starting up. Previous achievements make you feel you can do it. But a constant doubt nags at you – what if things have changed, what if you don’t have it in you anymore, what if  you make a fool of yourself, what if ‘they’ are right!

Actually the words ‘starting up’ sum it up really well – its like turning the key and cranking an old lethargic motor to life.  You know there are a lot of horses under the hood, you distinctly remember those few days from the past when, of their own free will, they had decided to come to life...ahh the roar...if only you could get the horses to find their feet again...if only you could make them believe.

That first step is the biggest filter. Most of us keep making half hearted attempts to start up the engine...you know...half cranks, loud sighs, looks of desperation, clutching the wheel, swearing at the manufacturer...all the show and dance that would make people watching believe that we are trying our best. But all the while, a voice in our head keeps reminding us of the truth...’you know the drill...press the clutch once or twice – let some fuel through...keep giving the accelerator a few nudges and keep the cranks long and coming...dont give up in 2 tries...it’ll happen’. But as i said, most of us would rather give up than try. After all, sitting in a stationary car aint that bad – you save on fuel, its nice and cozy, and there is no chance of an accident. In return all youre being asked to lose is your drive.

Anyways, this blog is not for those people.

Its for those who are still cranking. They realize that what’s under the hood is a piece of art...a piece of art that once used to come to life as and when they desired.  They don’t run away from the memory of those days when they felt they could conquer the world. Days when mediocrity had no place in the universe and ‘average’ used to be an unbearable insult. True that right now the world laughs as they keep turning the key while the engine coughs and dies on them. But it doesn’t matter, because once it does ‘start up’, then there is no stopping it.

But once it does start up, a whole new set of problems arises! There is suddenly this energy - the raw power of long held dreams, the physical manifestation of a mental force long subdued – and you’ve unleashed it! You’ve given it an outlet but have you given it a channel? There is no point having the fastest machine in the world if all you’re gonna do is drive it into a wall! But how are you supposed to know how to handle this ‘thing’.  The tarmac tells you that this isn’t an often used or a safe road. The paint is fresh but the railings are broken. Shattered rather...rammed into by those who ran too fast but couldn’t hold course.  You’ve read about them in books – they cut a few corners to get ahead, lost sight of the goal and started chasing the guy in front, got lazy on a long straight stretch and never saw the turn coming. You think you know all the mistakes and all the ways of not making them. But the wretched voice springs back ‘ do you really? are you sure u wont make your own unique mistakes? If so many...those who were faster, had better pedigree, more muscle...failed -then what makes you believe you’ll get through’ But you’ve already started up - not moving now is not an option.  The treachery of the path is but a fact that needs to be factored in...

....I turn back and i see you...our eyes meet and i know the questions your asking because i was asking them just a while ago. Just before you came here...i did too. I too am very scared but i try and hide it. I don’t know much about this place but before you came i walked around a bit. I had tea with the elders and i played a little with the kids. I drank the wisdom of a fellow traveller as he showed me how he nurtured the garden of his dreams. I studied a few crashes and made a few notes.  But most of my time i spent looking down the road.

I’ve learnt a few things about this place before you came...and i want to share them with you...i need to...because its the only way ill know where I’m headed.